Joke Emails

How to drive a Forecourt Attendant Mad

On arrival at the petrol station, never look for direction
arrows or keep left signs. These are put there to confuse the
motorist and should be completely ignored. Either pull up so
close to the first pump and see that it is impossible for the
attendant to squeeze through or so the petrol cap is on the
wrong side and the hose won’t reach, better still stop dead
between the pumps and block the forecourt. Sit in the car and
wait for the attendant to come to your window and when he/she
does make sure the window is shut and completely ignore him/her
for a couple of minutes. Then whisper your instructions as quiet
as possible. A locking cap is a must, but make sure that the key
is one of at least 6 on the bunch. The attendant loves going
through them all in the rain. Never stop the engine while your
tank is being filled, all attendants work better in a cloud of
carbon monoxide and the thought of being barbecued at any moment
adds zest to his otherwise mundane existence. While the attendant
fills the car you should be friendly and talk to him/her but make
sure the topic of conversation is about the price of petrol or the
weather, this is his/her favourite subject to talk about. Great fun
can be when the attendant checks your oil (you have of course removed
the bonnet stay or allowed it to rust off.) The attendant lifts the
lid and has to support it on his/her head. Then just as he/she has
groped his way round a tangle of black gooey pipes and wires and
reached the dipstick you start your engine. With luck you’ll collect
a few fingers or at least you will have the pleasure of seeing the
attendant jump up and the lid slam down on the back of his/her neck.
Now it comes time to pay for the petrol, find a few items you would
like from the shop and place them on the counter. When the cashier
has finished scanning the items and called out the price walk away
from the counter and find more items to add to the sale. If you are
paying by cash the best way is to spend time searching through all your
pockets for the exact change, it is never found and you just
pass over a $20 note. If you are paying by charge card make
sure that you enter the wrong pin number a few times or press
the cancel button on the keypad. As you finally leave him/her
you will see the expression of pure joy on his/her face and you
will know that you have made the less fortunate happy and by
the complete omission of superfluous words like “please” and
“thank you” you have filled this cup of happiness to
overflowing.

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